and so i DEALT with it!!
I feel that this has been going on for long enough and now its time for me to deal, actually deal with it and let the chips fall where they may. I keep insisting to my friends (who have screamed at me for allowing me to let myself exist in this mental, misery-ridden state), that I AM over him and then have to pathetically admit this is not the case because someone thought we would make a cute couple or something just as trivial. I constantly freak out because I think my friendship with him will be affected coz he know, I freak out because I think other people know and are judging me (which yes by the way is the stupidest thing to worry about EVER), and I basically freak out for no reason at all.
Two weeks ago I had a conversation with a friend who finally woke me up to what the situation was and how it was so not good for me to be carrying on this way. I suddenly realised I wasn’t being fair to ANYBODY who had any part to play in this…scenario.
I mean for petes sakes its not like I don’t have a very good idea of how he feels about me. And when I get onto the list of people I’m being unfair to….well that’s a real eye-opener. Myself for one. I’m am so busy pathetically holding on rays of hope that hardly even exist that I cant even see how much I stand to gain by letting go, and how much I’m losing out on my holding on.
To him. I’m not even being a decent friend. I mean for the love of god I get all excited about everything a normal good friend would do when he does it. It’s so pathetic and unfair because he can’t even give me the best of his friendship like he always has, without me morphing into stalker-desperado girl. After all it would be better for me to enjoy what I have of this amazing friend than try and destroy it. Plus I keep raging him down to my friends when I am upset and that’s not fair at all!!
To my friends. I subject them to my constant whinging and complaints when the solution and reality are right in front of my face. They are my friends after all and I’m sure that they want what best for me. I don’t think I’m doing that. Being unfair when they have always been there for me right? I think this is the least I can do for them.
Don’t get me wrong now. I’m not doing what I have always done before in this whole drama i.e. snap my fingers, claim I’m over him and then relapse a week later. No. This is a long battle that I fought with myself and finally came out victorious.
I have really struggled to come to where I am now and it has been a painful and very difficult journey. And trust me I have wavered a hell of a lot. But I’ve stayed strong coz I know it’s the right thing to do.
I guess this whole thing was a learning curve I had to deal with and in a way I’m glad because it showed me how severely I can be tested and now I know I can and will come through. Believe me the easy thing to do is to keep hoping and keep dreaming and hurting. But the easy thing is almost NEVER the right thing to do.
I chose the right way after following the easy way for so long. I’m glad I did cause once you follow it through it waay better. :)