A Flight Risk With A Fear Of Falling.
I was a flight risk, with a fear of falling. Wondering why we bother with love if it never lasts.Somewhere along the lines - love, relationships, hookups, and the myriad of labels that we used - became questions about life, what we want from it, and the pieces and parts of ourselves that we gave away.
Disclaimer. I believe the word 'relationship' should only be applied to something you are taking seriously. Otherwise it's a fling, you're dating them, friends with benefits, figuring it out - whatever. We need to stop treating the word so lightly.
I am a flight risk. I scare easy. VERY easy. I get bored. I over think. Flings last only for so long - either they burn out or they inch towards something more. It's the inching that has me starting to get scared. And this isn't preceded by some sad story of some guy who broke my heart. That's just who I am. Maybe it stems from my unwillingness to compromise on what I want. Or my need for the kind of chemistry that just clicks. After all someone maybe text-book perfect for you - but if you don't feel the connection...you just can't. On the other hand it could be all sorts of wrong - but the chemistry just makes it all okay. More than okay.
The flip side of course is that I am awful at exiting gracefully. 'It's not you, it's me', 'I'm just not in that place', 'I'm sorry, but this isn't what I am looking for right now' *cringe*. I hate using those lines but they are true! I don't like to hurt, and in trying not to; I think I hurt them more. I actually prefer to be broken up with in these cases. Actually I prefer to be broken up with 80% of the time - unless you have done something awful that makes me wanna hurt you.
In the case of having a fear of falling - I do. But then again doesn't everyone? Isn't letting someone into your heart, and mind the hardest thing to do? As Tennessee Williams says "to desire a thing, or to love a thing intensely, is to place yourself in a vulnerable position, to be a possible, if not a probable loser of what you most want". Amen. And I have been hurt before through falling. So yes. Yes I have this fear.
I sometimes why we bother with love. But I have decided I am far too young to be cynical about it. It never lasts - because someday it will. And you need to believe that there is a bigger plan.
Thank you Ms Swift for capturing my essence so well in a line.