Alone and Afraid
I am loud. But I am also an intensely private person. I trust very few and confide in even fewer. As of now there are 3, maybe 4 people at a push who I have confided in. And I mean in a bare my soul, I am totally vulnerable to you, here is all the ammunition in the world if you ever wanted to destroy me kind of way. And the reason for that is simple. Too many people in my life have taken that for granted, and walked away. Too many people have abused the faith I placed in their friendship. And as jaded as it sounds – too many people have left me feeling like I am alone in this world.
People make a lot of assumptions about me. I’ve noticed this. They assume that because I seem unafraid of life – that says certain things about me. And while I smile and shrug it off and try not to let it affect me, it does. So to counteract that fear, I force my self-confidence up a few notches. It’s a self-preservation tactic. After all as someone so aptly said “Fear is inevitable. Giving into it is what separates the weak from the strong”
I am frank. I say things as they are and have very little patience for bullshit. However, I hate confrontations. I am not a confrontational person. I balk at the very idea. I can’t ever go up to someone and say, “Hi I known you said this about me, what is your problem?!” Just. Can’t. Do. It.
It’s not often that I allow myself to give into my darker side. But sitting here, writing this, it has taken hold. I feel alone. I feel like I have no more than superficial connections with people. I feel like I am in a glass box and no one wants to break me out. No one wants to be able to reach out and hold my hand.
Attacking someone’s vulnerabilities doesn’t make you any stronger. It makes you weak. The most confident people are often the most insecure. I may be trapped inside a glass box alone with no one beside me, but I can still hear the words you speak and they still hurt.
And so when I wake up in the morning I will still have this fear. But I will paste my smile on, pretend that I can’t hear the barbed comments, and hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel.